The Inflation of Love

I always wondered if love
is nothing more than holding onto what you've got
from fear that you won't find something better.
Just one big settlement.
Deal or no deal.

We carried on in our mutual settlement
weighing the pros and cons.
Trying to determine each other's worth.

When my pockets were empty
I decided it was time to make a return.
I could no longer afford all he had cost me.

Tainted Memories

I decipher your ever word
hoping to find some hidden message
entangled up inside;
That you miss me.

You were thinking of me.
That much I know.

I was thinking of you too
as I sifted through old photos
of us at your sister's wedding.
My favorite is the one of us kissing.

I'm scared I'll never forget you
but I'm more scared of being forgotten.

A Cynic's Idea of Love

Wednesday August 14, 2013 2:53 P.M.

                I think the reason I hate clichés so much is due to the fact that they have a way of distorting or perception of reality. They make us think our relationships aren’t romantic enough and that love is a feeling.

                Before I go any further let me just warn you that this is going to be my most cynical entry thus far. So cover your eyes if you want to stay in denial. I may only be 19 years old, but in my years here on planet earth I’ve learned a lot through personal experience, and vicariously through the experiences of friends and family both older and younger than me. You can learn a lot if you’re willing to listen to what people have to say – even if you think it doesn’t apply to you; chances are one day it will.

                I was like everyone else at one time. I thought love was an indescribable feeling. Butterflies, passion, happiness. I was sorely mistaken. Even if you’re not an avid church goer or Bible thumper, at some point you’ve heard the well-known love chapter of the Bible: 1^st Corinthians 13. If not, now would be a good time to go read it, even if just to refresh your memory.

                Of all the things 1^st  Corinthians 13 says love is – not one of them is a feeling. Not a single one. None of the traits listed happens on accident. In order to attain the characteristics, we must choose to actively pursue behaviors and attitudes that encourage patience, humility, selflessness, etc. This is because love is a decision. A choice. We don’t fall in love, it doesn’t “just happen”.

                For many of you this may be disheartening to hear, because you’re beginning to doubt everything you thought you knew to be true. You’re not so sure you love the person you so easily express the sentiment to. From the time we’re children we’re programmed with a false idea of what love is. Fairy tales tell us that love finds us, and when we’re older the same idea is reinforced by romantic comedies. No wonder we’re so passive about the whole concept of love. We’re passive because phrases like “fell in love” and “swept off my feet” are constantly being drilled into our skulls.

                Love is a choice. Plain and simple. We’ve over complicated it. “I can’t explain it, but I know it’s there.” I’m not being so cynical as to say love is not real. I am the world’s biggest hopeless romantic. But the truth of it is, I’m so sick of people saying things like “you just know” and “we didn’t expect to fall in love”. How can you claim to love someone if you can’t even explain what it is? When did love become so distorted? Chemistry and love are not synonymous.

                Some may argue that a mother loves their child before having even met them therefore my theory is invalid. I say bullshit. I don’t disagree that a mother can instantly fall in love with her child, but this is because she is deciding to. Nothing happens on accident. Love is no exception.This is not as romantic as you’d like I’d imagine. But think of it this way – if love is a feeling then just as effortlessly as someone fell in love with you they could fall in love with someone else. Feelings are fickle. So in a way the fact that love is a choice should be reassuring.

                I think back to when I asked him what love was. I didn’t even know what it was, but I was hoping he could tell me. We were passionately infatuated with each other. But I made the choice to love him the second go around. Things were grand for a while before they went sour, but still I loved him. I decided he was my person and that was that. But it’s like the saying goes: man makes plans, God laughs.

                It is not my wish to rain on your parade. I was lucky enough to have been taught some hard lessons at a young age. I’m thankful for the people that taught me. By no means am I claiming to have acquired any wisdom. All I can say is that I aspire to attain even a fraction of the wisdom had by the people that were so willing to share their experiences with me.

                It’s by no means my intention to crush anyone’s spirit. That’s not something I get pleasure from. I just thought I could share what has been shared with me. Many people may not take to heart some of the things I say due to my age. I’m too young to know what I’m talking about. I haven’t had enough experiences of my own. But I urge those older than me not to discount my opinion because of their pride. Not many of us are truly wise, but sometimes even a foolish person’s words can be meaningful to the next.

                However you choose to read what I’ve written – as advice or merely an explanation of my personal opinion – the next time the word “love” leaves your mouth, it will be more weighty on your tongue, and the taste it leaves behind will linger.

                

I don't like when you ignore me
like the rain that ignores my exceptional hair day.
Or the chill that ignores my goosebumps.

I don't like that you laugh at my jokes
for just a little bit longer than you should.
Like the one about the priest.
It wasn't that funny.

I don't like that  you didn't cry while watching the notebook.
Like the part at the end.
That was sad.

I don't like you.

If Happiness Had A Gender, It'd Be A Boy.

Monday August 5, 2013 11:40 P.M.

                Hey you.

                I’ve had some sort of breakthrough. Frankly, I’m disappointed in the type of book this is turning out to be. Anyone can write a book about depression and isolation. So what if I’m an underdog? People love a good underdog story, and they especially love it when the underdog makes a comeback. I’ve gotta give the people what they want.

                That’s not to say I won’t have sad days. But how unbearable would it be to read a pessimist’s’ diary? After a nice pep talk from mama E I’ve decided I need to make some changes. Mama E says positivity attracts positivity. She also gave me some good advice about being content with being alone and not relying on things and people to make me feel whole. I guess sometimes you just need someone to remind you of things you already know in order for it to truly sink in.

                It was a pretty average day. I worked the morning shift with Italy (who again reminded me why he’s nothing more than eye candy when he used the word ‘like’ over 1,000 times in a sentence). Then I deposited some checks, came home, snacked, made dinner, and watched a movie. The movie was about a writer. It left me feeling inspired. Writing truly is my passion, yet I’m too passive with it. I don’t cherish it like I should. In some weird way I know God has given me this one talent as a gift. I don’t yet know what he wants me to do with it, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out in time.

                It’s another one of those nights where I’m sitting amongst the crumpled sheets of my bed. I’m filled with childlike joy at having recently discovered the fact that the parking meter (bought from an auction) I was given as a quirky Christmas gift – is in working condition. I don’t know what possessed me to, but I found a nickel in spare change and dropped it the slot and turned the dial. I smiled so big I nearly split my face in two when I heard the soft ticking of the timer.

                If happiness had a gender it’d be a boy:

                Let me explain. It’s odd that we can find joy in the simplest of things. Things that we aren’t looking to get happiness out of. It’s as if the more we crave happiness the less attainable it is. Happiness is the disinterested, uncommitted boyfriend and I’m the overly attached girlfriend. Happiness thinks I’m too needy and I have to agree.

                In other news a customer that came in on Sunday afternoon complimented me on my nose ring; saying (and I quote) “I like your nose ring. It looks cute on you.” Laugh if you want, but I tucked that compliment in my swoon reserve for when I’m not feeling my best. A little compliment goes a long way.

                I think this job is helping me improve my confidence. I have to speak loudly, work quickly and efficiently all while being cute and cheerful. I think I do a pretty damn good job if I may say so myself. Self-esteem boost +3.

                

Ex Girlfriends Anonymous

Hello.
My name is Oshin.
I used to be somebody's girlfriend.
Now I am not.
But I am still Me I think.

"Hi Oshin."

5 A.M. Boys

He was the kind of boy that wore sweaters
and had a blog about music you've never heard of.

And he was cute
in a socially-acceptably-awkward kind of way.
The kind of way that was charming.

He had quick wit and clever quips.
And he stayed up until 5 A.M.