If Happiness Had A Gender, It'd Be A Boy.

Monday August 5, 2013 11:40 P.M.

                Hey you.

                I’ve had some sort of breakthrough. Frankly, I’m disappointed in the type of book this is turning out to be. Anyone can write a book about depression and isolation. So what if I’m an underdog? People love a good underdog story, and they especially love it when the underdog makes a comeback. I’ve gotta give the people what they want.

                That’s not to say I won’t have sad days. But how unbearable would it be to read a pessimist’s’ diary? After a nice pep talk from mama E I’ve decided I need to make some changes. Mama E says positivity attracts positivity. She also gave me some good advice about being content with being alone and not relying on things and people to make me feel whole. I guess sometimes you just need someone to remind you of things you already know in order for it to truly sink in.

                It was a pretty average day. I worked the morning shift with Italy (who again reminded me why he’s nothing more than eye candy when he used the word ‘like’ over 1,000 times in a sentence). Then I deposited some checks, came home, snacked, made dinner, and watched a movie. The movie was about a writer. It left me feeling inspired. Writing truly is my passion, yet I’m too passive with it. I don’t cherish it like I should. In some weird way I know God has given me this one talent as a gift. I don’t yet know what he wants me to do with it, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out in time.

                It’s another one of those nights where I’m sitting amongst the crumpled sheets of my bed. I’m filled with childlike joy at having recently discovered the fact that the parking meter (bought from an auction) I was given as a quirky Christmas gift – is in working condition. I don’t know what possessed me to, but I found a nickel in spare change and dropped it the slot and turned the dial. I smiled so big I nearly split my face in two when I heard the soft ticking of the timer.

                If happiness had a gender it’d be a boy:

                Let me explain. It’s odd that we can find joy in the simplest of things. Things that we aren’t looking to get happiness out of. It’s as if the more we crave happiness the less attainable it is. Happiness is the disinterested, uncommitted boyfriend and I’m the overly attached girlfriend. Happiness thinks I’m too needy and I have to agree.

                In other news a customer that came in on Sunday afternoon complimented me on my nose ring; saying (and I quote) “I like your nose ring. It looks cute on you.” Laugh if you want, but I tucked that compliment in my swoon reserve for when I’m not feeling my best. A little compliment goes a long way.

                I think this job is helping me improve my confidence. I have to speak loudly, work quickly and efficiently all while being cute and cheerful. I think I do a pretty damn good job if I may say so myself. Self-esteem boost +3.

                

Ex Girlfriends Anonymous

Hello.
My name is Oshin.
I used to be somebody's girlfriend.
Now I am not.
But I am still Me I think.

"Hi Oshin."

5 A.M. Boys

He was the kind of boy that wore sweaters
and had a blog about music you've never heard of.

And he was cute
in a socially-acceptably-awkward kind of way.
The kind of way that was charming.

He had quick wit and clever quips.
And he stayed up until 5 A.M.

Single Girls Live in Fuzzy Red Cocoons

Sunday July 28, 2013 2:19 P.M.

                I was lying in bed all wrapped up in my favorite fuzzy red blanket remember fond memories of C and I. Sometimes as a lie within my red fuzzy cocoon of comfort I feel as if my bed is an extension of myself. It is hard to tell where I begin and it ends.

                It’s tiring being so painfully aware of how single I am. I don’t want to be this girl I’m becoming. The girl that doesn't exist unless she’s somebody’s girlfriend. I want to exist apart from someone. I want to exist individually. I don’t want to be so codependent. I hate how much I need people because I’m a terrible judge of character and the people I let get closest to me often hurt me the most. 

Kissing Queen

My life is boring. There is nothing particularly interesting about me. I have no special talents or abilities. Exciting things don’t happen to me. I live in Florida in a city you’ve probably never heard of.

                And this is my story.

                Let’s fast forward for the time being to my junior year of high school. Heck, let’s skip right to my first kiss. Underwhelming romantic, it took place in a soundproof piano room in the school’s independent music study area.  I ditched some school ceremony to rendezvous with him. We both sat on the wooden bench in silence. I was aching for him to kiss me, but he was playing hard to get.

                “I’m not going to kiss you unless you tell me you want me to.”

                “Why are you doing this? You know I want you to.”

                “But I want you to say it.”

                “I want you to kiss me.”

                And he did. It was awkward, but I didn’t realize at the time. I was too busy reveling in the moment. I’d made a bet with myself at the beginning of the year – that this year – my sixteenth pathetic year here on planet earth would be the one that I got my first kiss. I had succeeded. I was elated. 

People I know, That know me.

I know people
who have monsters in their head
instead of under the bed.

I know people that
spend their love
in order to buy time.

I know people
who use their daddy issues
as an excuse to hold on too tight.

Yeah, I know some people
and they're all a reflection
of me.

Dear Future Me

2:21 P.M. (Same Day)

                Dear Future Me,

                                I am writing you this letter in the event that in the near future you find yourself regretting your decision to break up with C. I got the idea from How I Met Your Mother so bear with me.

                He was a great guy but you needed to let him go so he could figure himself out and what he wants out of life. Likewise you needed to let him go so you could figure yourself out and what you wanted out of life. As much as you wanted to you couldn’t do this while you two were together and that’s no one’s fault.

                You’re both so young and need time to experience things that you wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Everything happens for a reason and you must remember that when God says no to one thing it’s because he has something even better in store.

                It’s okay to remember the good times and even the bad if it helps you cope, but don’t regret. He was your first love and you were his. Revel in that and know that is something great. He was your first in so many ways and the thought of him having a second or third may hurt but a time will come when you’ll love again too. Don’t doubt God’s plan. Don’t doubt your decision. When you feel lonely just remember the words tattooed on your skin: “still growing into my wings, but one day I’ll fly.” Rest assured in that truth.

                You and C were the sun and the moon. It worked for a while but you were doing more damage than good by staying together. You had two different definitions of worthwhile experiences. You should never be with someone that makes you feel less than. You shouldn’t have to compete against the one you love. Love isn’t a competition. It’s sacrifice. It’s doing instead of just saying.

                Don’t be bitter or angry towards him. He loved you as much as he could at this point in time. Don’t put your life on pause for him, but you also shouldn’t rush into things out of spite. Don’t do anything stupid that could have a lasting impact because you think it will take your mind off the pain. It may work for a moment, but you can only outrun reality for so long.

                Maybe one day when you’ve both matured and lived a lifetime apart something magical will happen and it will be that much better because the time you spent apart. Maybe you’ll never see him again. Either way be happy that whatever happened was for the best. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go do something productive.

P.S. You depending on how far into the future you decide to come back and read this, remember that you want to name your child Solace if it’s a girl and August if it’s a boy. Hell, just go ahead and have two kids. This is not to say you should rush into having kids. If ever you go through one of those phases where you think a baby will fix all your problems just watch the movie A Happy Event. You’ll thank me later.