Wednesday, November 13, 2013

brittle bones and beautiful bliss
He lived 150 miles away.
but there was something far greater
than a two and a half hour drive separating us.
You're 4,432 miles away
(I know. I googled it.)
yet you seem closer.
Though not close enough.

He made my bones feel dry.
brittle.
I was afraid I'd break from the slightest movement.
but then you.
with your bedhead
and smiles
and love of the sea.

He wants to be a doctor.
Admirable I suppose.
Excuse me if I don't wait in line to kiss his ass.
He did more hurting
than he did healing.
bitter.

You'll be a marine biologist
and we'll live by the sea
and have a beautiful multiracial family.
Bliss.
I can't touch you.
but one day I will.

"Peace promise?"

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

tangley tuesday
he is Peter Pan
never aging.
the boyish upwards curvature of his mouth
is electric
and causes my skin cells to prickle.
he thinks my underwear is fun.
funderwear.
he's perfected the art of making insults seem charming.
and when we lie on the floor in the hallway,
our hair sprawled out on the carpet
his strands getting all tangled up in mine
I feel perfectly beautiful.
our hearts sync
as our noses touch.
Eskimo kisses.
He's a bottomless bag of peanut m&ms
all green.
Wine stained lips
and a bitter tasting tongue.

Monday, November 4, 2013

family outing

           “Five…four… three… two…. One,” we say in unison, watching as the sun disappears into the ocean. Ben is smiling at me. I love when he smiles. He has the kind of smile that is impossible not to reciprocate. He’s well aware of this fact.
                 I stand, extending my hands towards him. He takes them and I pull him onto his feet. Some people linger on the beach, while others head towards the parking lot. I pull Ben towards the shore. The water laps at our exposed toes. I curl mine into the wet sand.
                A gust of wind whips past us suddenly, tossing my hair about in chaos and obscuring my vision. I wrap my arms around Ben’s waist and stand on tip toe to kiss him. His hands slip around my waist and pull me close.
                I hear a camera snap in the near distance. Ben and I pull away and look in the direction of the flash. A woman with unruly blond curls and fireball red lipstick is smiling at us guiltily. There is a camera in her hands.
                “I hope you don’t mind. I’ve been trying to take some shots for my photography portfolio and my default idea was to take some sunset shots – then I saw you two kissing. I’d really like to take a few more shots of you if you don’t mind.”
                Ben and I look at each other briefly. I find the entire situation to be quite humorous. He seems to feel mutually.
                “I don’t see why not,” I say finally.
                “Oh, wonderful! I’m Felicity by the way.” she says with a wide grin.
                Three Asian children are building a sandcastle nearby. There is no adult in sight. Felicity holds up a finger to us.
                “Don’t move. I’ll be right back,” she says before shuffling over towards the unsupervised children. She returns a few minutes later, all three children in tow. She points to the shortest of the three.
                “This is Akari.”
                She points to the boy wearing water shoes and a sunhat.
                “This is Aoki.”
                She points to the third child. I cannot distinguish whether it is a boy or a girl.
                “This is Chie.”
                Ben waves at them. Aoki is avoiding making eye contact. Chie’s expression is leading me to believe that he or she has sand someplace sand should not be.
                “I’m their nanny. I’ve asked them to help me with my project. I was thinking my new theme could be multiracial family portraits.”
                “So just so I’m clear – you want us to pretend they’re our children?” I ask. Felicity shrugs.
                “Unless, you’d rather not.”
                “No, no. I think that’s brilliant,” I reassure her. A smile creeps back across her face. She gestures for the kids to arrange themselves beside us. Akari stands on my left, Aoki on my right. I hold out my hands towards each of them. Akari accepts, slipping her hand in mine. Aoki on the other hand seems less than willing to hold hands with someone he’s only just met. I can’t say I blame him.
                Ben and Chie are running along the shore a few feet away. I’m overwhelmed with feelings of nostalgia at the sight. Chie is laughing wildly. From the sound of it I choose to assume she’s a girl. Ben catches up to her, grabbing her playfully and hoisting her up on his shoulders. Chie places her hands over Ben’s eyes. I see him peeking through the gaps between her fingers as he walks towards us.
                “This is great,” Felicity gushes, snapping a picture.
                A small group of onlookers has begun to form around us. Felicity turns, scanning the crowd for another member to add to our family. She points to a teenage boy with rust colored hair.
                “Wanna help me with my photography project?” she asks.
                “Sure,” he replies.
                “What’s your name?”
                “Patrick.”
“Meet your new family Patrick,” she says, gesturing towards us.
                He seems a bit hesitant at first, but seems to warm up to the idea after a couple of shots. Felicity takes a shot of Ben and Chie, one of Aoki, Akari and I, one of Aoki, Ben and Patrick.
                As we grow more comfortable with each other the pictures seem less forced, and more authentic. It becomes felicity taking pictures of our genuine interactions with each other. She snaps several of us building a sandcastle and burring Aoki in the sand. Then a few of us in a brief sand fight.
                “Alright, I think I’ve got everything I need,” Felicity says. Chie groans in disappointment and stomps her foot. Patrick kneels to give Akari a high five. Aoki approaches me for a hug. As we embrace I notice Ben pinching Chie’s nose. She erupts in a fit of laughter.
                “Let’s get you kiddos home,” Felicity says loud enough for all three to hear. They wave goodbye before they go to gather their sand toys. Ben and Patrick exchange a handshake.
                “I really appreciate you guys helping me out with this. Maybe we should exchange emails so once I’ve finished editing I can send the pictures to you,” she offers.
It is then that I notice that the crowd of bystanders has dispersed. She hands me a pen and a piece of paper. I scribble my contact info on it. She hands me a business card.
“That’s my cell, feel free to call whenever,” she says.

“Thank you,” Ben replies, smiling at Felicity and placing his hand on my shoulder. She waves goodbye, and after helping her trio of children finish packing their things- they leave. 

Friday, October 25, 2013

truth be told, we're all a bunch of liars

We're not hardwired to mean it every time we say
I'm sorry.

We save most of our sympathy for ourselves
and give the leftovers to those who have earned it.

We're hardwired to say
Fine.
Or some variation of it, every time someone asks
How are you?

We all know the apologies aren't sincere enough.
We're well aware that if we truly cared about someone's well being
they would tell us that they're
Scared.
Because they don't know how they're going to pay the rent.
Because their mother has cancer.
Because
I
made
myself
vulnerable.

I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
I'm a
l
i
a
r
.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

//hello, we've never met before but I wish we had//

What if we had been strangers on a train
And I asked you what book you were reading.
You'd say:
“The Old Man and The Sea.”
Then I’d tell you I’d never read it before.
You’d say it was your favorite.
And ask for mine,
“Tuesdays with Morrie,”
I’d answer.
We’d bond over similar music taste
The XX
PRiNCE
Flight of the Conchords.
You’d compliment my sweater.
I’d admire your socks.
Maybe I’d be bold and ask to take your picture,
But probably not.
Instead I’d ask you name
And you’d ask mine.
I’d smile at your reaction.
"Nice to meet you Oshin.”
Then you’d go back to reading your book
And I’d try to find another excuse to talk to you.

//What if we weren't strangers//

Monday, October 21, 2013

Greetings and Farewells

She drew out their goodbyes as long as he'd let her
because she never really wanted to leave him.

                      *I adore you.*
                               *I'll miss you.*
                                    *Goodnight boo.*

                But waking up to his messages somehow made her bed seem less empty.
                                                                        And she hated empty things.
                                                                                           So she endured goodbyes
                                                                   in exchange for tomorrow's good morning.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

I'm in Love with Anne Frank.

I think I like to write so publicly because it makes me feel like there's a chance someone is listening, even if I'm just talking to myself.

I was inspired to watch the Diary of Anne Frank after having listened to the Neutral Milk Hotel song Oh Comely.  Perhaps the next time I hear the song she inspired - it will ring truer.

The story's end left me with a compulsion to pray for Anne (as silly as that may seem). So I did. I climbed out of bed, got down on my knees before my bed and I prayed. I also felt compelled to apologize for being a terrible human being.

I'm sure many people say the same but I felt like I could relate to Anne in many ways. I used to want to be an actress for a while too before I discovered my passion for writing. And like Anne I feel I have no other choice but than to write. To write what I feel, write what I know. Also, she was  very lonely despite having been in such close quarters with seven other people. I find that I am often the most lonely when I am in the presence of others. This is deeply unsettling to me.

I've always been very codependent, and I've always hated that about myself.  I've been too needy with romantic relationships as well as mutual friendships. Though I am growing fonder of being independent and being content being on my own - I still yearn to be close to people. I yearn for it, but my actions don't reflect that yearning. I don't try to get close to people. I dismiss them before they can dismiss me. No risk of rejection. My emotions remain in tact because I don't put them into jeopardy by gambling on people anymore. There was a time when all I wanted was the approval of people whose names I no longer remember. In my naivety, I was in bliss.

All my fears seem more consuming than ever now. My fear of loneliness, my fear of failure, my fear of being so afraid. I want to be brave,  and do things in the spur of the moment. I want to travel and start conversations with strangers. I don't want to be safe.

I've had 19 years of that.

I walk over to my bookshelf and pluck The Diary of Anne Frank from it. I've never read it. I think I will start. I find some solace in knowing she achieved her goal - to leave something that would remain after she died.

You did it Anne. You're exceptional. I wish I could've met you.

I'm sitting here in my bed like I do most nights and I'm thinking about things I usually try not to confront. I'm not listening to music. Lately I've been abusing that form of media - using it as a way  to avoid ever being alone with the thoughts that linger in my mind.

I think a lot of people find silence scary.
Is is because we're afraid of ourselves?
I wish I hadn't removed my blindfold.