I'm in Love with Anne Frank.

I think I like to write so publicly because it makes me feel like there's a chance someone is listening, even if I'm just talking to myself.

I was inspired to watch the Diary of Anne Frank after having listened to the Neutral Milk Hotel song Oh Comely.  Perhaps the next time I hear the song she inspired - it will ring truer.

The story's end left me with a compulsion to pray for Anne (as silly as that may seem). So I did. I climbed out of bed, got down on my knees before my bed and I prayed. I also felt compelled to apologize for being a terrible human being.

I'm sure many people say the same but I felt like I could relate to Anne in many ways. I used to want to be an actress for a while too before I discovered my passion for writing. And like Anne I feel I have no other choice but than to write. To write what I feel, write what I know. Also, she was  very lonely despite having been in such close quarters with seven other people. I find that I am often the most lonely when I am in the presence of others. This is deeply unsettling to me.

I've always been very codependent, and I've always hated that about myself.  I've been too needy with romantic relationships as well as mutual friendships. Though I am growing fonder of being independent and being content being on my own - I still yearn to be close to people. I yearn for it, but my actions don't reflect that yearning. I don't try to get close to people. I dismiss them before they can dismiss me. No risk of rejection. My emotions remain in tact because I don't put them into jeopardy by gambling on people anymore. There was a time when all I wanted was the approval of people whose names I no longer remember. In my naivety, I was in bliss.

All my fears seem more consuming than ever now. My fear of loneliness, my fear of failure, my fear of being so afraid. I want to be brave,  and do things in the spur of the moment. I want to travel and start conversations with strangers. I don't want to be safe.

I've had 19 years of that.

I walk over to my bookshelf and pluck The Diary of Anne Frank from it. I've never read it. I think I will start. I find some solace in knowing she achieved her goal - to leave something that would remain after she died.

You did it Anne. You're exceptional. I wish I could've met you.

I'm sitting here in my bed like I do most nights and I'm thinking about things I usually try not to confront. I'm not listening to music. Lately I've been abusing that form of media - using it as a way  to avoid ever being alone with the thoughts that linger in my mind.

I think a lot of people find silence scary.
Is is because we're afraid of ourselves?
I wish I hadn't removed my blindfold.